7:35 pm, Wednesday the 13th June, 2011
Santhosh walks into his house after a hard day’s work, with plans for a quiet evening at home, “I'll watch some Youtube” he says to himself, “maybe I’ll have a chat with friends on gchat, browse through random profiles on facebook etc, but first I should check out this new Google + thing, maybe I’ll upload my engagement photos”, he dreams. So with a hope in his heart and a song in his head, he walks into his room.
“Woe is me!!!” he screams, his dreams crushed, and his ‘quiet evening plans’ shattered. He walks in, only to find his internet dead again, for the 654th time, but “worry not” he thinks to himself, “for it is just a ‘locked port’ and a call to the trusty ‘Complaints Department’ of ‘Airtel’s Broadband and Fixed Line’(dial 198 from your Airtel Fixed Line) will resolve this disaster that was afoot.”
So piously, with great respect and love for this service that he has been using for the past decade, he decides to call ‘The Complaints Department – Airtel Broadband and Fixed Line’ like the 653 times before.
With the receiver in his left hand, he dials… 1, 9 and 8, a moment of silence and then there you hear it, that familiar tune, the new Airtel anthem, a funky tune with lyrics that don’t make sense and a weirdly repetitive humming for a chorus, that makes him think ‘this has got to be the worst jingle ever’. He listens closely as a voice starts speaking those familiar words, words that would guide him to victory, to freedom, to internet bliss.
“Welcome to the Exciting New World of Airtel” she says, the lady with a pleasant voice, surely they have made an effort in selecting this woman, a voice as sweet as honey. “Get closer to what you love with Airtel Broadband and Fixed Line” she says…. Ah ha, victory is near, the Airtel lady has spoken. “You have reached 1 9 8 complaints helpline, for information related to Airtel Broadband and Fixed Line, please dial 1 2 1 from your Airtel fixed line”, “hold on” he thinks “are they asking me to call 1 2 1 or, oh wait, it’s just a cleverly placed and cunningly worded informative statement that’s meant to divert my train of thought”, “I don’t require information, I just need to make a complaint regarding a ‘locked port’” and so, he continued to listen.
And then it started, the main course, “for English press 1”, “Hindi ke liye dho dabayae”, “Tamilikku moondrai azhuthavum”, since Tamil is his Mother Tongue, he decides to press 1 for English, why? Cause now he wants to sound cool, just like the Airtel lady.
Upon pressing 1, he hears the lady address him again “To continue with the same fixed line number, press 1”, “to enter a new fixed line number, press 2”, pressing 2, he is taken to the next part of this adventure that he so loves, “hope there are more twists in the plot”, he pray’s.
And yes, just as he had hoped, more options to choose from, “for information related to your fixed line service, press 1”, “for information related to your internet and broadband related services, press 2”, “to repeat, press zero” the Airtel Lady spoke again. “Now to take control of my life and its destiny” he thought to himself, “and to solve the mystery of the broadband and its locked port”, he presses 2.
“To serve you better…blah, blah, blah…upgrading our systems… blah, blah, blah... won’t be able to... blah, blah… sorry for the inconvenience”. “Gnooooooooooo!!!” he screams, since the lady has distracted him with a random statement about Airtel serving him better, by providing rubbish service etc, “well at least she’s honest and apologetic about it” he thought. By now the rage had been built up, “at least now they will put me on to a person with whom I can speak to, regarding my lousy locked port”
But alas, all that was heard was another “Gnooooooooooo!!!” for another menu of choices had to be selected, more options and more hurdles. Feeling the slightest bit of temper creeping in, he listens carefully, for the end might be near.
She spoke, with her voice like a siren’s song. You cannot resist but to hear, as she throws out option after option after option for you to choose from, “for complaints and requests related to billing and payments, press 1”, “for technical complaints and request, press 2”, “to know more about the best offer for you, press 3”, “to know the status of the service request and profile management, press 4”, “for any other complaints and request, press 5”, “to repeat, press zero”, “to go back to the previous menu, press 7”, “to go back to the main menu, press 8”, what?, who?, where?, when?, confused and tired, he wonders ‘would option 2 be the answer to all my problems, is there really a light at the end of that tunnel, did we really land on the moon… hold on, I need to press something’. 2 it is.
On pressing 2, he heard the nastiest thing anyone has ever said to him, in the history of his existence, the vile words struck sharply at him, “for broadband not working, press 1”, “For browsing related concerns, press 2”, “For any other broadband related complaints, press 3”, “To repeat, press 0”, “To go back to the previous menu, press 7”, “To go back to the main menu, press 8”, “To speak to our customer service representative, press 9”.
Wait a minute; he thought “what was that at the end? Could it be true? A Customer Service Representative? Could it be the answer to all of life’s problems? Oh Internet, here I come!”
“Nine I tell you, Nine! Nine! Nine! Waaaahahhahaha…. Oh you beautiful Nine, how, I longed for you?” and so he rejoiced for the end seemed near.
Now the lady wouldn’t just transfer his call, oh no she won’t, she needed to make sure she knew what he’s doing, she needs to reassure him, by saying “Please stay online while we transfer your call to the customer service representative”, “I know, I know, come on, faster, were almost there” the thoughts barely out of his mouth, when she said “This call maybe recorded for our internal quality purpose”. ”Quality!” he thought “what quality? I have been waiting here, for what seems like an eternity, going through various options, different loop holes and other ridiculous obstacles to get to this final moment of victory”.
Now where’s the Customer Service Representative? It’s ringing, and the ring turns into that ghastly music again. This jingle on a constant loop feels like a cotton ear bud is being replaced by a blunt, rusty shovel that is digging at my very soul, least of all my damned ears.
Music…
Music…
Music…
Music…
There she was again, “please stay on the line, our customer service representative will be with you shortly” and I thought to myself, “She hasn’t let me down all this while, every time I chose an option that she gave me, she delivered and I was one step closer to Nirvana”.
Music…
Music…
Music…
Engaged Tone……………. … … … … . . . .
“Gnoooooooooooo!, Oh lord, if you are up there? Take me now!!” screamed Santhosh over the thought of going through this whole fiasco all over again. But unfortunately for him, he had to do it a few times over.
The Verdict is? Well let’s just say that in life…
Music…
Music…
Music…
